


what the fuck, spider-man

by careful_chirren_thats_alot_of_fanfiction



Category: MCU, Marvel, Spiderman - Fandom
Genre: Bi-Derman, Irondad, Multi, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, but I’ll try, chat fic, completely unoriginal, everyone loves him, gen-z humour, kind of crack, spiderman is pure, spiderson, this is a vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 02:07:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 10,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19454137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/careful_chirren_thats_alot_of_fanfiction/pseuds/careful_chirren_thats_alot_of_fanfiction
Summary: a chat ficthere are a million of these but i bet you’re still gonna read it





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> me, waking up in a cold sweat at 4am: ironthot
> 
> civil war happened, but was sorted out and the team is together and happy. after homecoming, endgame and infinity war can suck my left toe.

**spidey** has created ‘ _ **no**_ _**name**_ ’

**spidey** has added: **YouknowwhoIam** , **blackWidow** , **HawkEars** , **Steve** **Rogers** , **DrBruce** and **Dr**. **Strange** to ‘ _ **no**_ _**name**_ ’

**spidey** has changed ‘ _ **no**_ **_name_** ’ to ‘ _ **chilis**_ ’

**spidey** is online (3:00 am)

**spidey** : hi welcome to chilis

**YouknowwhoIam** is online (3:01am)

**YouknowwhoIam** : Spider-man, what is this?

**spidey** : ew grammar

**YouknowwhoIam** : Spidey

**spidey** : fine fine

**spidey** : it’s a group chat because,, idk

**YouknowwhoIam** : Why are you even awake?

**spidey** : uno reverse

**YouknowwhoIam** : What?

**blackWidow** is online (3:05am)

**blackWidow** : go to sleep before i break into both your houses

**spidey** : @tony stark does she kno where i live

**YouknowwhoIam** : Definitely

**blackWidow** : sleep. now.

**YouknowwhoIam** : Oh shit

**spidey** : sorry ma’am

**spidey** and **YouknowwhoIam** are offline (3:08am)

**blackWidow** is offline (3:09am)

~

**spidey** is online (5:59am)

**spidey** : wakey wakey eggs and existentialism

**Steve** **Rogers** is online (6:00am)

**Steve** **Rogers** : Good Morning, Spider-man, how are you? from, Steve Rogers

**spidey** : you don’t need to sign your name on texts you know

**Steve** **Rogers** : Dear Spidey, suggestion noted, from, Steve Rogers.

**spidey** : oh god

**HawkEars** is online (6:05am)

**HawkEars** : haha you should see how long it takes cap to type

**HawkEars** : he’s so old haha

**spidey** :ikr

**spidey** : mr hawkeye! i love you! you’re so cool!

**HawkEar** : i know i am.

**Steve** **Rogers** : Good morning Clint! from, Steve Rogers.

**HawkEars** : oh god

**spidey** : i stan one (1) bird

**HawkEars** : you’re adorable

**HawkEars** : imma keep you

**YouknowwhoIam** is online (6:12am)

**YouknowwhoIam** : Back off, he’s mine.

**HawkEars** : how?? what??

**spidey** : dont question it, he has a ‘someone is trying to adopt spider-man’ sense

**spidey** : this is the eight time this week

**HawkEars** : it’s?? Tuesday???

**spidey** : :)))

**YouknowwhoIam** : :)))

**HawkEars** : Nat save me i’m scared.

**blackWidow** is online (6:17am)

**blackWidow** : no

**blackWidow** is offline (6:17am)

**spidey** : ruthless

**spidey** : she’s so cool

**YouknowwhoIam** : Don’t you have school?

**spidey** : [you-got-me-there-image.jpg]

**spidey** , **YouknowwhoIam** , **HawkEars** and **Steve** **Rogers** are offline (6:20am)


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everybody is so lovely in the comments! i’ve decided to pull a tony stark and adopt all of you. 
> 
> in case you can’t tell yet, i’m not american, i know exactly nothing about america. my only knowledge comes from movies. i’m sorry. correct me if i get anything wrong.
> 
> you taking the time to read this makes my life bareable

**Steve** **Rogers** is online (8:00am)

 **Steve** **Rogers** : Tony, is spider-man still in school?, from, Steve Rogers.

 **YouknowwhoIam** is online (8:00am)

 **YouknowwhoIam** : HOW DID YOU KNOW-

 **YouknowwhoIam** : Oh yeah, I told you.

 **YouknowwhoIam** : Why are you only realising this now?

 **Steve** **Rogers** : Tony, answer the question, from , Steve Rogers

 **YouknowwhoIam** : Oh God

 **YouknowwhoIam** : Please, type normally

 **Steve** **Rogers** : No, from, Steve Rogers.

 **YouknowwhoIam** : That’s it.

 **YouknowwhoIam** is offline (8:05am)

 **YouknowwhoIam** is online (8:08)

 **YouknowwhoIam** : Hahaha, if spidey we’re here he’d call me a ‘master hacker’.

 **Steve** **Rogers** : Tony, what did you do, ****, ***** ******

 **Steve** **Rogers** : sorry, I meant ****, ***** ******

 **Steve Rogers:** Tony, what did you do?

 **YouknowwhoIam** : Sometimes it’s hard being this cool.

 **YouknowwhoIam** : You can no longer sign your name off on texts.

 **Steve** **Rogers** : You did not answer my question about Spider-man.

 **YouknowwhoIam** : Yes he’s in school

 **Steve** **Rogers** : High school or College?

 **Steve** **Rogers** : Tony?

 **YouknowwhoIam** : He’s in high school, but before you freak out, he’s under my protection, he was too young for me to just forget about. It was terrible of me to take him to the airport fight, I regret it everyday. I’ve tried to stop him, I really have, but it made matters worse. So I don’t care what you have to say about it.

 **Steve** **Rogers** : I understand, it would be hypocritical of me to judge you since I took Wanda to the airport fight aswell. I was also fighting from a young age, I’ve seen spider-man catch a truck. It’s alright.

 **YouknowwhoIam** : Wow that was way to emotional for 8:20 in the morning.

 **YouknowwhoIam** : I’m going to my lab, i’ll see you in,, hng 13 hours or so

 **YouknowwhoIam** and **Steve** **Rogers** are offline (8:21)

~

 **spidey** is online (5:02pm)

 **YouknowwhoIam** is online (5:03pm)

 **YouknowwhoIam** : What’s up kid?

 **spidey** : ew grammatically correct punctuation

 **YouknowwhoIam** : ....

 **spidey** : have you seen mr hawkeye?

 **spidey** : mr.barton?

 **spidey** : mr.barton?!

 **spidey** : oh god he can’t hear us

 **spidey** : he has airpods in

 **YouknowwhoIam** : Kiddo, he’s deaf, he has hearing aids

 **spidey** : mr,barton?!

 **spidey** : oh god he can’t hear us

 **spidey** : he hasn’t his hearing aids in

 **HawkEars** is online (5:08pm)

 **HawkEars** : waddup kid

 **spidey** : mr.barton hawkeye sir i think i found your dog

 **HawkEars** : Lucky? i didn’t even know he was missing?

 **spidey** : i was on patrol and i see this lost dog with some pizza in his mouth

 **spidey** : and i go hey that looks like mr.hawkeyes dog

 **spidey** : [pizza-dog-picture.jpg]

 **HawkEars** : that’s him! that’s Lucky!

 **spidey** : do you want me to swing by your apartment with him?

 **HawkEars** : do you know where i live?

 **spidey** : yeah nat told me

 **YouknowwhoIam** : You’ve been talking to Natasha??

 **spidey** : lmao yea

 **HawkEars** : how did you even get our numbers anyway?

 **spidey** : because i’m a master hacker™️

 **YouknowwhoIam** : You hacked FRIDAY didn’t you

 **spidey** : mayhaps

 **YouknowwhoIam** : Wait, you are swinging with a dog in your arms at the moment, correct?

 **spidey** : that is correct

 **YouknowwhoIam** : if you need an arm to swing, how are you texting?

 **spidey** is offline (5:15pm)

 **YouknowwhoIam** : GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE SHI-

 **YouknowwhoIam** is offline (5:16)

 **HawkEars** : RIP Spider-man

 **HawkEars** has changed ‘ **YouknowwhoIam’s** name to ’ **Irondad** ’


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my second chapter today, i’d say i’m sorry but i’m really not. i have a lot of time on my hands.  
> seriously tho i hope you don’t mind frequent updates.  
> these are so fun to write
> 
> i uploaded the first chapter at like,, 1am and now it has like 420+ hits. excuse me, what??

**spidey** is online (1:25am)

 **Irondad** is online (1:25am)

 **spidey** : hey mr.stark

 **Irondad** : Go To Sleep

 **spidey** : no

 **spidey** : i just wanted to ask you permission for something

 **Irondad** : yes

 **spidey** : !! thanks mr.stark,,, i promise i’ll only break like, 4 bones

 **spidey** is offline (1:28)

 **Irondad** : What the fuck?

 **Irondad** : No, i meant *yes?

 **Irondad** : SPIDEY

 **Irondad** : GET BACK HERE

 **Irondad** : Who the fuck changed my name

**Irondad** : CLINT

-

**Dr**. **Strange** is online (3:05am)

 **Dr**. **Strange** : Stark, come collect your son.

 **Irondad** , **HawkEars** , **Dr**. **Bruce** and **blackWidow** are online (3:07am)

 **Irondad** : 

**Irondad** :

 **Irondad** : What can i, uh, do for you Strange?

 **Dr**. **Strange** : It’s your son.

 **Irondad** : I dont? have a son?

 **Dr**. **Strange** : Your name is ‘Irondad’.

 **Dr**. **Strange** : I’m talking about Spider-man.

 **Irondad** : Oh shit, what did he do this time

 **Dr**. **Strange** : I have him in my sanctum.

 **Dr**. **Strange** : He has a concussion, broken foot, nose and fractured radius.

 **Dr**. **Bruce** : I’ll prep the med bay.

 **Irondad** : Thanks babe

 **Dr**. **Strange** :>:( Hello?

 **Dr**. **Strange** : I have him on a spell to ease the pain, the side affect is that he’s very out of it and seemingly ‘high’.

 **blackWidow** : did the wizard just use an emoticon?

 **Dr**. **Strange** : No.

 **spidey** is online (3:08am)

 **spidey** : If you feel uncomfortable at night, please understand it is just your skeletons inherent need for freedom.

 **spidey** : Soon.

 **HawkEars** : i’m shaking what does that m e a n

 **Irondad** : He’s using grammar, he must be truly out of it.

 **spidey** : Some fish can walk out of water, so remember that next time.

 **blackWidow** : How did he not break phone?

 **HawkEars** : how did he hurt himself anyway?

 **Dr**. **Strange** : He’s too out of it to remember.

 **spidey** : *spongebob narrator voice* Ah yes, the temptations of _flesh_.

 **Irondad** : Hold on Strange, i’m nearly there

 **Dr**. **Strange** : Be fast, he’s scaring me.

 **spidey** : I’m going to break into your house and eat your shower curtains.

 **HawkEars** : i have? glass doors?

 **spidey** : _crunchity_ _munchity_ .

 **spidey** is offline (3:15am)

 **blackWidow** : did spider-man get murked by the wizard?

 **Dr**. **Strange** : No, he just fell asleep.

 **blackWidow** : i suppose that works too.


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m gonna cry this fic has 794+ hits. what the fuck you guys. i posted the first chapter 2 days ago.  
> i have cried and probably will cry some more at each of your comments.  
> this isn’t even that good.  
> is this a fever dream  
> (is it just fantasy)
> 
> anyway enjoy this shithole of a chapter. i have no idea to write shippy characters over text. kill me okay. -Lu

**Irondad** : Don’t worry everyone, Spidey is ok, he’s in the medbay

**HawkEars** : do we know what happened yet?

**Irondad** : Apparently, the dumbass tried to rescue a kitten out of a tree

**HawkEars** : omg that’s precious, that sounds innocent enough though??

**Irondad** : he fell out of the tree

**HawkEars** : i’ve seen him take way worse than that

**Irondad** : The tree fell on him.

**HawkEars** : did he catch it?

**Irondad** : Yes

**HawkEars** : how did he get the injuries though?

**Irondad** : He then got hit by a truck.

**HawkEars** : Holy Shit

**blackWidow** : then what did he need your permission for?

**Irondad** : He wanted to install roller skates into his suit. He was on his way to get them when he saw the kitten

**HawkEars** : this story has been an emotional rollercoaster

**HawkEars** : send spidey my bests

**HawkEars** : goodnight aveng-whores

**HawkEars** is offline (3:30 am)

**blackWidow** : on a completely unrelated event to tonight, i have a truck driver to kill.

**blackWidow** is offline (3:32am)

**Dr**. **Bruce** : Goodnight everyone.

**Dr**. **Bruce** is offline (3:33am)

**Irondad** : Spooky

**Irondad** : Well, back to my lonely life.

**Irondad** is offline (3:35am)

**Dr**. **Strange** : :(

**Dr**. **Strange** is offline (3:36am)

~

**blackWidow** is online (5:00 am)

**blackWidow** : Strange, i know you’re there

**Dr**. **Strange** is online (5:00am)

**blackWidow** : i have questions

**Dr**. **Strange** : And I may have answers, whats wrong?

**blackWidow** : how did Spider-man end up at your Sanctum?

**Dr**. **Strange** : He came to me, he must’ve been in the area, what’s your point?

**blackWidow** : Why did you call Tony to come to you when you could’ve easily portalled him to the tower?

**Dr**. **Strange** : Is there a point to this?

**blackWidow** : you like him.

**Dr**. **Strange** : Well yeah, who doesn’t? He’s a good man

**blackWidow** : no, you l i k e him.

**Dr**. **Strange** : Well Shit.

**Dr**. **Strange** : What can I give you to keep your mouth shut

**blackWidow** : oh my dear, watching you struggle to act around him is the best payment i could ask for ;)

**Dr**. **Strange** : You’re insufferable

**blackWidow** : don’t i know it

**Dr**. **Strange** : ugh

**Dr**. **Strange** has deleted ( **17** ) texts from ‘ **chilis** ’

**Dr**. **Strange** and **blackWidow** are offline (5:10am)

~

**spidey** is online (2:00pm)

**spidey** : life is a party and i’m the piñata

**Dr**. **Bruce** is online (2:05pm)

**Dr**. **Bruce** : How are you feeling spidey

**spidey** : like a buttcheek on a stick

**Dr**. **Bruce** : ?

**spidey** : i’m fine

**Dr**. **Bruce** : That’s good

**spidey** : sorry for bothering you last night :(

**Dr**. **Bruce** : Spidey, you had like, 3 broken bones. Thats pretty serious.

**spidey** : i’ve dealt with worse on my own.

**Dr**. **Bruce** : That isn’t healthy

**spidey** : i’ve been fine before

**Irondad** is online (2:09pm)

**Irondad** : My ‘Spider-man is being an idiot’ sense is tingling

**Dr**. **Bruce** : He’s trying to apologise for broken bones.

**Irondad** : What the fuck, Spider-man

**spidey** : can i call my lawyer

**Irondad** : You dont? have a lawyer?

**spidey** : :)

**Irondad** : Spooky

**Dr**. **Bruce** : I must go

**Dr**. **Bruce** is offline (2:13pm)

**spidey** : spooky

**spidey** : so

**spidey** : about those roller skates,,

**Irondad** is offline (2:15pm)

**spidey** : yep,,,,

**spidey** : i deserved that

**spidey** is offline (2:17pm)


	5. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is short i’m sorry  
> also  
> what the actual fuck  
> this flick has 1,100+ hits?????  
> i uploaded the first chapter 3 days ago, at 1am  
> i planned on deleting the first chapter the next day  
> how to fuck did this happen

**spidey** is online (10:23pm)

 **spidey** : guys, i done fucked up

 **blackWidow** , **HawkEars** , **Irondad** , **Dr**. **Bruce** and **Steve** **Rogers** are online (10:24pm)

 **Steve** **Rogers** : What happened, Spider-man?

 **spidey** : ew grammar

 **spidey** : i stopped a robbery in a bar

 **spidey** : and to thank me, he offered me a free drink

 **Dr**. **Bruce** : Aren’t you a minor?

 **spidey** : yes, i’m a minor, but i couldn’t telll him that

 **spidey** : but i also couldn’t accept the drink

 **spidey** : i panicked

 **Irondad** : spidey, what did you tell them??

 **spidey** : i told them that i was, uh, pregeganant

 **Dr**. **Bruce** : Pregnant?

 **spidey** : yes

 **spidey** : but it doesn’t end there,

 **spidey** : he congratulated me, and asked if it was a boy or girl

 **blackWidow** : oh no, spidey you didn’t

 **spidey** : i told them that it ,,,,,, was a _spider_.

 **HawkEars** : HAHA

 **spidey** : i panicked ok??!?

 **Irondad** : Look at this dumb child

 **Irondad** : This, adorable, completely dumb idiot.

 **Steve** **Rogers** : that’s not very smart

 **Irondad** : Hey! don’t talk about my idiot like that!

 **spidey** : why won’t god just strike me down already

 **Irondad** : No!

 **Irondad** added **Rhodes** and **Pepper**

 **Pepper** : Tony, what is this?

 **Irondad** : As my companies CEO, and one of my best friends, please don’t kill me

 **spidey** changed **rhodeys** name to **RHODEworkahead?**

 **RHODEworkahead?** : Nice

 **Irondad** : Wait, do you understand the vines?

 **spidey** : does @rhodey is a memelord?

 **RHODEworkahead?** : Yes.

 **RHODEworkahead?** : i don’t think Pepper has been this panicked this much since Tony straight up chugged 4 bottles of vodka

 **Pepper** : Ah yes, the great stomach pumping of 2005.

 **spidey** : what the actual fuck, anthony?

 **Irondad** is offline (10:40pm)

 **blackWidow** : Pep, are you and Tony still together?

 **Pepper** : No, he broke it off because he was afraid of putting me into unnecessary danger.

 **Pepper** : We’ve both been a lot happier

 **Pepper** : After breaking it off, we’ve become closer than before, as friends that is.

 **blackWidow** : @Dr.Strange ;)))

 **Dr**. **Strange** is online (10:45pm)

 **Dr**. **Strange** : _Nice_.

 **Dr**. **Strange** is offline (10:47pm)

 **Pepper** : Do I even want to know?

 **blackWidow** : probably

 **Pepper** : You know what, no thank you.

 **Pepper** : Goodnight everyone!

 **Pepper** is offline (10:50pm)

~

**Steve** **Rogers** is online (8:00am)

 **Steve** **Rogers** : Tony, can I add Bucky to this chat?

 **Irondad** is online (8:02am)

 **Irondad** : How is his treatment going?

 **Steve** **Rogers** : He is completely healed, a couple of nightmares her and there but Shuri said thats to be expected.

 **Irondad** : As long as you’re adding James Barnes opposed to the Winter Soldier

 **Steve** **Rogers** : Thanks, Tony.

 **Irondad** : No problem, Cap

 **Irondad** is offline (8:07am)

 **Steve** **Rogers** added ‘ **Funky** **Barnes** ’

 **Funky** **Barnes** : it’s brittany bitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lads, i just discovered that there are more waffles than just potato waffles.  
> my mind is blown


	6. 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lads,,, this fic has over 15 hundred hits. i’m going insane.  
> 🅱️lease leave comments,, i have to feed my family.
> 
> good evening to everyone apart from that person that told me that blue waffles were a thing.  
> thanks for reading.

**Funky** **Barnes** : it’s brittany bitch

**Steve** **Rogers** : What?

**Funky** **Barnes** : britanny

**Steve** **Rogers** : What??

**Funky** **Barnes** : it’s a meme

**Steve** **Rogers** : Bucky? What?

**Funky** **Barnes** : oh god what have they not been teaching you.

**Steve** **Rogers** : What’s a meme?

**spidey** is online (8:23am)

**spidey** : i was summoned

**Funky** **Barnes** : whoa who the fuck are you

**spidey** : Spider-man! :D

**Funky** **Barnes** : the spider thing?

**Funky** **Barnes** : from the airport?

**spidey** : lmao yea

**spidey** : wait a minute,,,, are you James Barnes?

**Funky** **Barnes** : ye why

**spidey** : how come you type all normal,,, then there’s steeb over there .

**Funky** **Barnes** : lmao steeb

**Funky** **Barnes** has changed Steve Rogers name to steeb.

**steeb** : Why?

**Funky** **Barnes** : hush, steeb.

**Funky** **Barnes** : it’s because i know how to fit in™️

**Funky** **Barnes** : also shuri would spray me with a water gun every time i used a capital letter.

**spidey** : princess shuri of wakanda?

**Funky** **Barnes** : yeah, maybe i’ll add her one day.

**spidey** : please do.

**spidey** : me and my 2 brain cells must leave now

**spidey** : text ya later

**Funky** **Barnes** : wait! spidey!

**Funky** **Barnes** : we need to teach steve memes

**spidey** : yes.

**steeb** : Oh no.

**spidey** : :)))

**Funky** **Barnes** : :)))

**spidey** and **Funky** **Barnes** are offline (8:29am)

**steeb** : Bucky wait!

**steeb** is offline (8:30am)

~

**spidey** is online (3:00pm)

**Irondad** , **steeb** and **Funky** **Barnes** are online (3:00pm)

**Irondad** : Hey Barnes, hows recovery?

**Funky** **Barnes** : it’s great! no relapses in sight. thanks for letting me join this chat

**Irondad** : No problem

**spidey** : lmao MJ just beat the shit out of flash

**steeb** : that means that

**spidey** : go on,,,

**steeb** : Michelle has,

**spidey** : you can do it!

**steeb** : b

**steeb** : bi

**Funky** **Barnes** : take your time

**steeb** : I’m scared.

**steeb** : Michelle has,

**steeb** : big dick energy?

**spidey** : y e s

**Funky** **Barnes** : i’m so proud

**Irondad** : spidey what the fuck did you do

**spidey** : i’m teaching him to Connect With The Youth™️

**Irondad** : Is this a fever dream?

**spidey** : you wish.

**Irondad** : B(

**spidey** : what the fuck is that

**Irondad** : It’s the sad face emoji but he’s wearing sunglasses because i’m cool

**spidey** : valid

**spidey** is offline (3:09pm)

**Irondad** : B:O

**Irondad** is offline (3:10pm)

**steeb** : I guess that this is the way the mafia works.

**Funky** **Barnes** : come on steeb, let’s get you an ice cream.

**Funky** **Barnes** and **steeb** are offline (3:12pm)

~

**spidey** is online (3:33am)

**HawkEars** is online (3:34am)

**blackWidow** is online (3:37am)

**spidey** : did you know that if all the spiders worked together, they could eat all humans within a year

**blackWidow** : @spidey :))))

**spidey** : @natasha :)))))

**HawkEars** : what the fuck what tHe FUCk WHAT TH E F-

**spidey** : nat full on ate him

**spidey** : can we get an F for clint?

**spidey** : F

**blackWidow** : F

**HawkEars** : F

**HawkEars** : spidey can we know your name?

**spidey** : nat knows

**blackWidow** : i know

**HawkEars** : yeah but nat probably knows your parents cats middle name

**spidey** : what parents?

**HawkEars** : what?

**spidey** : what?

**spidey** : @ironman can i tell them

**Irondad** is online (3:45am)

**Irondad** : no

**Irondad** is offline (3:47am)

**spidey** : spooky

**HawkEars** : how do i know you’re not secretly Starks son?? -_-

**spidey** : because,,,

**spidey** : i’m not?

**HawkEars** : fair enough

**spidey** : what would happen if i drank bleach

**Irondad** is online (3:49am)

**Irondad** : do nOT

**Irondad** is offline (3:50am)

**HawkEars** : how? does he keep? doing that??

**spidey** : i’ve been too afraid to ask tbh

**blackWidow** : he’s a master hacker™️

**spidey** : i heard that he can put USBs in right way on the first try.

**HawkEars** : holY SHIT

**blackWidow** : a legend

**spidey** : have you guys found that he n e v e r shuts up about strange?

**Irondad** is online (3:53am)

**Irondad** : What about Strange?

**HawkEars** : you made a point And He Proved It.

**Irondad** : ?

**blackWidow** : scroll up

**Irondad** : Look, he’s a good man, he’s respectable, he doesn’t take any bullshit, he deserves to be talked about.

**blackWidow** : :)))

**spidey** : :)))

**HawkEars** : :)))

**Irondad** : Ugh whatever

**Irondad** is offline (3:56am)

**spidey** : and he called me the angsty teen

**spidey** is offline (3:57am)

**HawkEars** : @nat am i an angsty teen

**blackWidow** : yes

**blackWidow** is offline (3:59am)

**HawkEars** : nice

**HawkEars** is offline (4:00am)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to the tune of mr.sandman: “mr hawk eye, hawk me an eye”
> 
> i typed this whole chapter with one hand bcus my cat is asleep on my chest


	7. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is short. sorry. let me know if you prefer short, daily updates, or not-daily longer ones.

**Funky** **Barnes** is online (4:04pm)

**spidey** is online (4:05pm)

**Funky** **Barnes** : shuri is threatening to steal my house if i don’t add her. can i?

**spidey** : yes bitch

**Funky** **Barnes** has added **thatbitch** to **Chilis**

**Funky** **Barnes** : there, happy?

**thatbitch** : is anyone ever truly happy in life

**spidey** : amen sis.

**thatbitch** : @whitewolf whomst the fuck is this creature

**Funky** **Barnes** : it’s Spider-man! :D

**spidey** : i’m Spider-man! :D

**thatbitch** : dddhvhfhtraswndWHAt

**spidey** : did the princess of wakanda just keyboard smash over me?

**Funky** **Barnes** : i think so?

**thatbitch** : i’ve watched videos of you on youtube!

**spidey** : thanks! :D

**thatbitch** : yeah!,, i just had to google ‘resident new york furry’! B)

**Funky** **Barnes** : what the fuck

**spidey** : di

**spidey** : did the princess of wakanda just call me,, a,,, f u r r y?

**thatbitch** : yes.

**Funky** **Barnes** : well, tchalla is a furry, so, in theory,,, by relation, you’re also a furry

**spidey** : lmao

**spidey** changed **thatbitches** name to **furryssister**

**furryssister** : ah fuck, i can’t believe you’ve done this

**spidey** : waaaaiit a minute,,, isn’t it really late in wakanda rn?

**furryssister** : yes

**furryssister** : whats your point?

**spidey** : fair

**spidey** : bucky, where even are you atm?

**Funky** **Barnes** : i’m on a check up visit in wakanda lmao

**spidey** : nice

**furryssister** : (that’s a lie, he’s here to visit his goats)

**Funky** **Barnes** : stop exposing me

**spidey** : fuck. i want a gostbhhkgmff

**furryssister** : oh my god he fuckin ded

**spidey** : sorry i tripped into a lightbulb

**Funky** **Barnes** : how do you? trip? into? lightbulb?

**spidey** : with great talent.

**Funky** **Barnes** : i

**Funky** **Barnes** : what?

**furryssister** : bucky.exe has stopped working

**spidey** : i’m going to leave before i trip into again and give bucky an aneurism

**furryssister** : bye spider-bitchh 

**spidey** is offline (4:20pm)

**furryssister** : blaze it

**furryssister** is offline (4:20pm)

**Funky** **Barnes** is offline (4:20pm)

~

**spidey** is online (2:54am)

**Dr**. **Bruce** is online (2:55am)

**Dr**. **Strange** is online (2:56am)

**Dr**. **Strange** : Why are you online?

**spidey** : science

**Dr**. **Bruce** : Science.

**spidey** : did you know that you’re called a legend bcus your leg ends?

**Dr**. **Bruce** : What

**spidey** : your leg

**spidey** : it ends.

**Dr**. **Strange** : I’m not a linguist, but I think that’s wrong.

**spidey** : are you saying your leg doesn’t end?

**Dr**. **Strange** : I mean, at some point, yes

**spidey** : ť̵̡̛̛̮̲̭̜̥̝̈́̈́͑̎ḩ̸̥̦͓͌͒͆̑͛̉̈́̿͘e̴̗̬̞͂̅͒̓́͘͘n̴̢̳͔͔͎̟̰͈͛͆͐̓ ̵̡̪̯̱͕̈́̏̋̀̂̋͛̿ͅw̶̛̮̦͑̇͂̎̋͠ḩ̷̲͎̺͓̮̠́͌̍͐̿á̴̦̪̖̔̈́̐̎͋̚͝t̷̨̛̮͓͛̅̇͗͜’̵̢̞̱͉̗̯̮͎͉͂s̷̙̞͓̜̪͆ ̸͕͕̱̮͈͕̮̱̝͐̂͆t̴̛̤̥̩̜͎̪̞̥͐͗͊̿̑̑̐̃ͅh̷̢̝̱͉̊̾̿̏e̷̦͛̅͌́̐ ̸̨̢͇͉͚͕̻͂̾̀̉̚͘͠͝p̸̫͎͚̟͌̀̊͛̂͌͛̂r̷̡̡͈͎̭͓̼̪̈́͑̐͘o̶̢̧̰͎̣̦͎͎̺̽b̷̭̝̤̦̟̙̳͗̃̀̌̀̚͠ͅl̷̢̛͖̝̦̼̈́̌͗̎͝e̸̦̳̕ͅm̵̡̮̟͇̠̭͉̭̪̕

**Dr**. **Bruce** : Spider-man, are you ok?

**Dr.Strange** : How is the text doing that?

**spidey** : absolutely not! thanks for asking!

**spidey** : i have to get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow.

**spidey** : what if i lose all my hard-earned wisdom??

**Dr**. **Strange** : You can’t lose something you never had.

**spidey** : [you-got-me-there.jpg]

**Dr**. **Bruce** : Spidey, no!

**spidey** : that reminds me, Dr.Cho wants some of that really strong painkiller. she’s doing the surgery tomorrow

**Dr**. **Strange** : Why not go to a normal dentist?

**spidey** : cus i got kinky with a spider ;))))

**Dr**. **Bruce** : Stop that

**spidey** : ;)))

**Dr**. **Strange** : ugh

**Dr**. **Strange** is offline (3:12am)

**Dr**. **Bruce** : You’ll be fine tomorrow, get some sleep

**Dr**. **Bruce** : Goodnight spidey

**spidey** : night doc!

**spidey** is offline (3:15am)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you all seemed to like the high-spidey chapter hence the wisdom teeth side plot.  
> should i give spidey a pet??? like,,, a therapy animal??? the boi has a building dropped on him i think he needs a therapy animal.


	8. 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i won’t be able to post until friday/saturday but i promise i will be back with a longer chapter.  
> comments water my crops.  
> thanks for reading

**Irondad** is online (11:03am)

 **Irondad** : Spiderman is having a surgery today, I apologise in advance for any dumbass shit he says

 **spidey** , **HawkEars** , **furryssister** and **blackWidow** are online (11:04pm)

 **spidey** : you know i had to do it to 'em

 **furryssister** : he always says dumbass shit

 **spidey** : thats tru

 **HawkEars** : @princess you weren’t here the last time right?

 **furryssister** : no oh god what did he say

 **HawkEars** : lets just say thay hes the reason i sleep with my door locked

 **blackWidow** : and not because you live in literal new york?

 **HawkEars** : irreLEVANT

 **Irondad** : You fool, spider-kid doesnt use doors.

 **spidey** : :))))

 **spidey** : its true,,, i use the window,,, or as i like to call it,,,

 **spidey** : the spidey-door.

 **furryssister** : thats ominous

 **Irondad** : come on kid, we have to leave.

 **HawkEars** : is Tony Stark taking Spiderman to his surgery?

 **blackWidow** : you did change his name to Irondad

 **spidey** : look,,, my parental figure is busy

 **HawkEars** : parental figure singular?

 **spidey** and **Irondad** are offline (11:10am)

 **HawkEars** : @spidey parental figure singular???

 **furryssister** : wiat he didnt tell you?

 **HawkEars** : everybody seems to know him personally but me

 **HawkEars** : i want to meet him.

 **HawkEars** : ya know

 **HawkEars** : the man behind the mask

 **furryssister** : hes actually kinda a dumbass

 **furryssister** : i had to console him over the phone yesterday because he stepped on a lady bug

 **blackWidow** : youve only known him for a day, right?

 **furryssister** : mayhaps

 **furryssister** : @hawkbitch arent you a spy?

 **HawkEars** : yeah, and?

 **furryssister** : cant you just spy on him

 **HawkEars** : i could, but i wont.

 **furryssister** : good

 **blackWidow** : i think we can all agree that we would die for spiderman

 **furryssister** : rt

 **HawkEars** : rt

 **Irondad** is online (11:17am)

 **Irondad** : rt

 **Irondad** is offline (11:18am)

 **HawkEars** : he Needs To Stop Doing That

 **HawkEars** is offline (11:20am)

 **furryssister** and **blackWidow** are offline (11:20am)

~

**Irondad** is online (12:13pm)

 **Irondad** : Okay Spideys awake now I'm going to give him his phone

 **HawkEars** , **Furryssister** , **Dr**. **Bruce** , **Dr**. **Strange** , **blackWidow** and **RHODEworkahead?** are online (12:15pm)

 **spidey** is online(12:16)

 **HawkEars** : whoop the whole squad is here.

 **Dr**. **Bruce** : How was your surgery, Spiderman?

 **spidey** : God is Dead and So Am I.

 **furryssister** : lmaooo

 **Dr**. **Bruce** : Maybe you should lie down

 **spidey** : In this world, it’s pickle, or be pickled

 **RHODEworkahead?** : Tony, collect your child

 **spidey** : Pickled Peppers picked a peck of Peter Parkers.

 **blackWidow** : Spidey!

 **HawkEars** : Peter Parker?

 **HawkEars** : holy shit is that your name?

 **Irondad** has deleted [ **3** ] messages from **Chilis**

 **Irondad** : You better keep your mouth shut.

 **furryssister** : wow @hawkwhore you’re an awful spy.

 **spidey** : *In a horse accent* Sexuality is a hopeless abyss, gender is an illusion, all we have left are furrys.

 **Dr**. **Strange** : Sorry, Horse accent?

 **spidey** : The trees are not lost, but waiting, look away; for they too, have teeth.

 **furryssister** : this is goooolllllddd

 **steeb** is online (12:34pm)

 **spidey** : *A sweet old lady approaches you at an alarming velocity*

 **steeb** : Nevermind.

 **steeb** is offline

 **spidey** : G̶̡̪̬̍͐̕͜a̸̩̻̠̰̭͇͙̖̯͗̅͗s̶̰̞̤͉͓̈́̚o̸̻̜̜͛̄͋̅͜͝͠l̵̡͕̪̫̦̳͔̐̚ȉ̸͖̞̙̩̥̝͖̠̮̓͋́͝n̵̞͉͙̎́̉̌ě̶̞̀ ̵̭̟͕̪̞͌̔̽̒i̴̙͖̠̬͚̳͇̩̙̾s̸̛͙̆̊̃̂ ̵͈̇̐́̈͂͝á̸̛͙̯̱͎̹͙̉̀̈́̽l̶̢̩̫̎ͅw̶̦̬͌͜a̸̧̋̋̋̀͋y̴͎̹̭̓͊͊s̸̯̹̝̱͐ ̶̨͎͎͔̑̋̄̾͑̎͠͠a̵̞̖͎͑̇͂̓̍̿̑͠ ̵̢̱͉̩̖̬̬̰̱̏̿̏͌́̀͆̕͠p̴͎͎̜̺̫̹͎̒͌̄̉͌ļ̵̡̛̭͙͉̠̯͓͋͌͝ͅê̷̡̡̮̲ͅȁ̸̘̠̠͕̳̰̈́̕s̴̩͙͎̳̝̊̊̓̕͘ữ̸͙̍̊͋̉͝r̵̬̣̤̥̭͔̽͂͌̔̈́͛̚ͅȇ̴̡͎̹̥͖̼̔͐͗́͆.̷̡̌̇̎

 **HawkEars** : that’s spooky

 **HawkEars** : HOW THE FUCK

 **HawkEars** : AM I GOING TO DIE TONIGHT

 **blackWidow** : yes.

 **spidey** : It’s 2019, which means my 8 year ban from the Rainforest café for wrestling thealligator is up. I’m coming for you Kyle, and this time, there are no security guards to save you.

 **HawkEars** : what?. nat help. i’m s h a k i n g.

 **spidey** : That just means your skeleton is ready to hatch.

 **Irondad** : aight’ that enough.

 **spidey** is offline (12:46pm)

 **furryssister** : booo it was just getting good

 **Irondad** : nope. he said too much.

 **HawkEars** : So he’s Peter Parker?

 **Irondad** : Yes.

 **HawkEars** : I did a search of that name, damn he’s young

 **Irondad** : I know

 **Irondad** : How far did you look into him?

 **HawkEars** : Not far, he deserves his privacy

 **blackWidow** : Tony, can we meet him?

 **Irondad** : That’s for him to decide.

 **Irondad** : Now I must leave, I have a very high teenager with me.

 **Irondad** : he’s crying over club penguin.

 **Irondad** is offline (12:58pm)

 **HawkEars** : oh my god that’s pure

 **HawkEars** is offline (12:59pm)

 **blackWidow** , **furryssister** , **Dr**. **Bruce** , **RHODEworkahead?** and **Dr**. **Strange** are offline (1:00pm)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **to the tune of uptown girl**: big, large, dog,,, you’ve been sniffing that big green frog


	9. 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a day late. i’m a terrible person.  
> it’s a little longer. and i’m BACK. i’ll be updating every day/every 2 days.  
> thanks for reading 🐝

**Irondad** , **HawkEars** , **RHODEworkahead?** , **blackWidow** , **spidey** and **Dr.Bruce** are online (4:21pm)

 **HawkEars** : hey peter :D

 **spidey** : whos peter hahahahaa

 **blackWidow** : scroll up

 **spidey** : oh shit

 **Irondad** : Yes, oh shit

 **blackWidow** : Pete, can we meet you?

 **spidey** : @tony man can they

 **Irondad** : Up to you kiddo

 **spidey** : allright then

 **furryssister** is online (4:26pm)

 **Funky** **Barnes** is online (4:27pm) mood 

**Funky** **Barnes** : @princess furry how are my goats

 **furryssister** : you mean since the 23hrs that you last saw them?

 **Funky** **Barnes** : that is correct

 **furryssister** : theyre dead

 **furryssister** : the hash slinging slasher got to them

 **Funky** **Barnes** : please tell me your joking

 **Funky** **Barnes** : i know this meme but ur still scaring me

 **furryssister** : lmao jk 

**furryssister** : steve-the-goat is eating my foot rn 

**spidey** : does steve the goat has a foot fetish??

 **Funky Barnes** : human-steve does

 **blackWidow** : and that’s what you missed on GLEE

 **furryssister** : [steve-the-goat-feat-shuris-foot.jpg]

 **Funky** **Barnes** : aw

 **spidey** : i want a goat :(((

 **Irondad** : hm

 **Funky** **Barnes** : whats all this about meeting spidey?

 **spidey** : what up I'm peter parker, I'm 16 and i never fuckin learned how to keep a SECRET IDENTITY

 **furryssister** : this is it. the biggest mood. 

**spidey** : we can meet at the tower

 **HawkEars** : when?

 **spidey** : yes

 **spidey** is offline (4:36pm)

 **Irondad** , **furryssister** , **HawkEars** , **blackWidow** , **Dr.Bruce** , **RHODEworkahead?** and **Funky** **Barnes** are offline (4:37pm)

~  


**Irondad** is online (6:00pm)

 **Irondad** has kicked **spidey** from **chilis**

 **Dr.Bruce** , **RHODEworkahead** , **furryssister** , **HawkEars** and **blackWidow** are online (6:02pm)

 **furryssister** : y did you kick parker out of the gc??

 **Irondad** : I think spidey needs a pet

 **Irondad** : Like, a therapy dog or something

 **HawkEars** : we literally just met him, i think he is the puppy

 **Dr.Bruce** : I agree. You could get him a different animal

 **furryssister** : how bout a spider?

 **RHODEworkahead?** : nah. isnt that kid an actual spider himself?

 **Irondad** : yea, he is

 **blackWidow** : what about a snake? snakes are cool

 **Irondad** : I am not. letting him. get. a. snake.

 **Irondad** : Anyway, I want to get him a therapy animal.

 **Irondad** : hes SIXTEEN

 **Irondad** : and after the vulture and all,

 **Irondad** : I think he NEEDS a therapy animal.

 **blackWidow** : well said.

 **Dr.Bruce** : What about a cat?

 **Irondad** : That could work.

 **Irondad** : Plus, he lives in an apartment that doesn't allow big pets.

 **blackWidow** : a cat it is. 

**blackWidow** : ok but why not a sna-

 **Irondad** : NO

 **Irondad** has deleted [ **21** ] messages from **chilis**

 **Irondad** has added **spidey** to **chilis**

 **Irondad** , **RHODEworkahead?** , **blackWidow** , **HawkEars** , **Dr.Bruce** and **furryssister** are offline (6:16pm)

  


~

**Dr.Strange** >>>>> **Irondad** (6:29pm)

 **Dr.Strange** : Hey Tony, just wanted to say that I think it's great what you’re doing for Spiderman.

 **Irondad** : Well, the kid really deserves it

 **Dr.Strange** : You really care about him don't you?

 **Irondad** : As much as I hate to admit it, I really do. 

**Irondad** : He's like a fungus

 **Irondad** : He just keeps on growing on you

 **Dr.Strange** : He's not the only one

 **Irondad** : What?

 **Dr.Strange** : What?

 **Irondad** : Why Strange, are you flirting with me?

 **Dr.Strange:** I just mean to say that the kid is quite easy to grow fond of.

 **Dr.Strange:** and that he must’ve learned from the best.

 **Irondad:** Feeling bold today, aren’t we, Strange.

 **Dr.Strange** : I don't know, are we?

~

**Irondad** >>>>> **blackWidow** (6:36pm)

 **Irondad** : HELP

 **Irondad** : NAT

 **Irondad** : IM FREAKING OUT

 **Irondad** : AAAAA

 **blackWidow** : what up

 **Irondad** : its Strange

 **blackWidow** : ah, my future son in law

 **Irondad** : Are you implying that youre my mother?

 **blackWidow** : oh honey, you need mothering right now.

 **Irondad** : ANway

 **Irondad** : He texted me.

 **blackWidow** : wow. is that it?

 **Irondad** : [screen-shot.jpg]

 **blackWidow** : boi hes into you

 **Irondad:** who isn’t tbh.

 **blackWidow** : ok

 **blackWidow** : here, so

 **blackWidow** : just tell me what you like about him

 **Irondad** : Natalia

 **blackWidow** : just do it

 **Irondad** : Fine

 **Irondad** : I like how he doesn't put up with anyone's bullshit

 **blackWidow** : ok

 **Irondad** : And he’s got no hero worship or anything, like, he doesn't talk to me just because I'm a billionaire

 **blackWidow** : keep going

 **Irondad** : He's like. mega hot. like. hotter than ME. and thats saying something

 **blackWidow** : go on,

 **Irondad:** He’s so tall. he’s like. 9 feet tall. he’s taller than big foot, probably.

 **blackWidow** : doubtful 

**Irondad** : And hes got this deep, growling voice that just makes me wanna

 **blackWidow** : OKay

 **blackWidow** : stopping you right there.

 **blackWidow** : Tony

 **blackWidow** : Anthony

 **blackWidow** : my great friend and allie 

**blackWidow** : i need you to not be mad at me for what I'm about to do. 

**Irondad** : Natalie???? What are you doing???

 **blackWidow** : keep in mind that I'm sorry, but its for the best.

 **Irondad** : NAT?!!!??

**chilis**

**blackWidow** is online (6:48pm)

 **blackWidow** : [screen-shot.jpg]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i may have been a banshee in a past life, because what i call ‘beautiful singing’, is what hotel security calls ‘an inhuman screech’ and ‘driving away the other customers’


	10. 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony’s children and the Cloak of levitation are Done With Their Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is different. it’s a day late because i was nervous to post it. i can’t write to save my life so please be nice. this fic has 3000+ hits. i don’t know how that happened.  
> please comment! it’s very motivating {let’s motivate Lu with a controlled comment. bzzzz}   
> ur all better than potatoes.

**chilis**

**blackWidow** is online (6:48pm) 

**blackWidow** : [screen-shot.jpg]

  
  


Stephen Strange stared at his phone, mouth open in an ‘o’ shape. He was paralysed, stuck re-reading the words until they became a mess of letters on the screen. Go home alphabet, you’re drunk. His mouth began to curl up in to a smile, before he abruptly stopped himself.

‘ _ No, this could very well be fake _ ’ he found himself thinking. 

‘ _ But Nat wouldn’t toy with my emotions like that, would she _ ?’ Stephen further questioned his logic. 

Shutting off his phone, he knew what he had to do.

He allowed his hands to work on muscle memory, curling, as he pictured his desired location in mind. A bright orange light coloured his vision as his fingers felt the grounding pins and needles he was so familiar with. 

He opened his eyes and found himself staring into a lab. Tony’s lab. Allowing himself no time to backtrack, he inhaled sharply, and stepped through the portal.

~

“Is it true?”

The deep voice resonated through the lab as Tony nervously fiddled with a helmet.

He allowed himself to wonder if he imagined the voice, before it spoke again.

“Because if it isn’t, this is going to become very awkward, very quickly.”

Tony exhaled a laugh, before turning in his chair.

“And if it is? What then  _ Mr _ .Strange?”

“It’s Doctor”

“I know”

Tony stood up, and came face to face with the sorcerer, well, as face to face as he could get, considering the like, three foot height difference.

Noticing this dilemma, Tony stood on the closest box. There we go. Perfect.

A silence filled the air, not awkward, just very tense. You could probably could the tension with a knife, if you were an asshole that cut things for no reason.

“Well, is it true?” Stephen asked again, moving closer to Tony and his Box™️

“You see” Tony coughed, “is anything really true or false in life? I mean-“ 

Tony was cut off by none other than Dum-e, his own creation, threatening him with a fire extinguisher. What the  _ fuck _ ?

“OKay, okay, fine” he stammered, waving off the robot.

Strange was closer now, with his stupid hair and his stupid eyes and his stupid- cape?

Noticing it too late, the Cloak of levitation soared away from Stranges shoulders, and barreled into Tony’s Box™️. The box was swiped from under Starks feet and pushed against the wall behind him. Tony fell forward, and would have hit the floor, if it were not for his knight in shining armour. Shining robes? Shining Cape? 

Stephen caught Tony in his arms, furiously apologising for his insolent cloak. 

Tony righted himself, and the two men found themselves in an almost waltz like position, with Stephens arm on Tony’s hip and their hands intertwined.

“Did you just fall for me?” Stephen joked, Tony slapped his shoulder playfully, and let his hand remain there. 

Tony opened his mouth to say something, but was oh so rudely cut off by FRIDAY playing a soft tune, one that Stephen vaguely recognised, but didn’t care. 

“FRIDAY, sweetie, please turn off the music” he rolled his eyes.

“Sorry sir, but it appears as though you do not have the authorisation to do that.”

“ _ What _ ?”

Stephen chuckled at Tony’s faux rage, not once letting his grip loosen.

“Yes, it appears the protocol in question is called the ‘ **Sort your shit out** ’ protocol, and was created by a certain teenager.”

“Parker,” Tony murmured harshly, not letting himself acknowledge his stance with Strange. 

“Just relax” Stephen whispered into his ear, sending shivers down his spine, the action not going unnoticed by the Doctor.

“So, I heard you like my voice,” he winked, making his partner melt just a bit.

“Oh, shut up” Tony stammered, a light blush growing across his face. Face the truth Tony.

‘ _ God damn _ ,’ Tony thought to himself,finding himself closer to the sorcerer than ever before, ‘ _ Nat is getting the best Christmas gift this year _ ’. 

Before they could do anything, Stephen unconsciously began to sway them to the overhead music.

“What-“ Tony began, before being cut off once again.

“Just, let it happen” the soft whisper came. 

After a while, Tony allowed his head to fall onto a shoulder that was not his own, as the dance continued. Although how he managed to reach the shoulder was a mystery. 

Stephen dropped his chin onto Tony’s head, before removing it to press a gentle kiss in its place.

It was so gentle, and soft, and easy to dismiss.

And it was enough.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i like to shed my skin and hair to become the facelesss demon i worship, you don’t like it, go to another Starbucks!


	11. 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is late. just assume that’s i’m sorry every time it’s more than two days between updates.  
> thanks for all ur support on the last chapter! we’re back to the normal layout. that scene wouldn’t of been able to be written over text, hence why i wrote it.   
> i’m always a ho for comments. -Lu

**spidey** is online (9:48am)

**spidey** : i haven’t heard from mr.stark in like,,,,

**spidey** : a day

**spidey** : what’s he up to?

**blackWidow** is online (9:49am)

**blackWidow** : i think i may know.

**spidey** : do i want to know?

**blackWidow** : absolutely not.

**blackWidow** : lmaooo some idiot tried to wrestle a squid at sea-life

**HawkEars** is online (9:53am)

**HawkEars** : well maybe the squid was being a DICK

**HawkEars** : in other news, does anyone know how to get ink out of clothes?

**blackWidow** : what a dumbass.

**spidey** : i’m sick of people telling me to ‘go to the hospital’ or that i’m ‘losing a lot of blood ’ 

**spidey** : last time i checked it was MY stab wound not YOURS.

**spidey** : stay👏out👏of👏it👏DEBRA👏

**blackWidow** : wtaf peter.

**Irondad** is online (10:00am)

**Irondad** : What the FUCK

**spidey** : can i add ‘ability to summon Tony Stark at any given time’ to my resume?

**Irondad** : no

**blackWidow** : so wait are you bleeding or not?

**spidey** : :)

**spidey** is offline (10:05am)

**Irondad** : Be right back, I have a stabbed spider child to attend to.

**Irondad** : And if he isn't stabbed, I may stab him myself

**blackWidow** : no you won’t 

**Irondad** : No, I won’t 

**Irondad** is offline (10:07am)

**HawkEars** : waters flavour is it’s temperature

**blackWidow** : what the fuck, barton

**HawkEars** : i’m sorry i had to tell someone

**blackWidow** : actually what the fuck

**blackWidow** : why does that makes sense.

**HawkEars** : aliens.

**blackWidow** is offline (10:11am)

**HawkEars** : i really deserved that,

**HawkEars** is offline (10:12am)

~

**steeb** is online (2:02pm)

**spidey** is online (2:03pm)

**spidey** : have you heard from mr.stark recently? 

**spidey** : last time i heard from him was like

**spidey** : hhnnggg

**spidey** : 4 hours ago.

**steeb** : Last I seen from him he was dismantling the clothes dryer.

**spidey** : why tho

**steeb** : he keeps saying that the dryer is stealing his left socks. I don’t know how he knows it’s only the left socks.

**steeb** : How was your day Peter?

**spidey** : oh steven,

**spidey** : i met someone today

**spidey** : the most beautiful being, 

**spidey** : i think i’m in love

**steeb** : Yep.

**steeb** : What breed of dog was it?

**spidey** : A FLUFFY ONE STEEB

**steeb** : What do you think of cats?

**spidey** : why do u ask?

**steeb** : No reason.

**spidey** : cats.

**spidey** : nothing is better than hanging out with. a cat.

**spidey** : love those triangle ears.

**spidey** : love thos,,,,, mews 

**spidey** : and them chirps, if u will.

**spidey** : people say seeing a black cat is bad luck but i think it’s good luck bcus you get to see a cat!!!,!!!!

**steeb** : Oh my 

**steeb** : That is pure.

**steeb** is offline (2:15pm)

**spidey** : hm

**spidey** is offline (2:16pm)

~

**Dr.Strange, Irondad, spidey, blackWidow, Funky Barnes, furryssister, HawkEars** and  **Dr** . **Bruce** are online (7:32pm)

**Irondad** : Hello dipshits

**Irondad** : We have an announcement 

**furryssister** : that you're actually a cyborg from a different planet sent here to prevent any other person from adopting the actual (spider)-human puppy known as Peter Parker?

**spidey** : we been knew

**Irondad** : no,

**Irondad** : (that being said he’s MY son @everyone)

**Dr.Strange** : What about me?

**Irondad** : Mayhaps there are exceptions. 

**Dr.Bruce** : I’m so confused.

**Irondad** : That brings me BACK to my announcement >:(

**spidey** : @princess oooooo the shade.

**Funky** **Barnes** : what’s the announcement tony-man.

**Irondad** : Stephen and I are officially dating from yesterday.

**spidey** : oh my

**spidey** : i have so many dads

**HawkEars** : @Ironbitch it’s about tiME

**blackWidow** : @Strange it’s about tiME

**HawkEars** : haha jinx

**blackWidow** : i will literally steal your elbow

**HawkEars** : you FOOL,,, i have TWO of them.

**Dr.Bruce** : the fact that elbows are not bones, but rather a series of connected joints and muscles makes this insult even worse.

**Irondad** : So wait, y’all are just fine with this sudden announcement??

**spidey** : We Been Knew tho.

**Dr.Strange** : I have been in this group chat for about a week and Ihave come to the conclusion that there is no intelligent life here.

**Irondad** : What about me, bitch?

**Dr.Strange** : Babe, I watched you swallow 4 instant coffee packets. WITHOUT opening them. For a genius, you really are a complete dumbass. You dumbass.

**Irondad** : That was ONE TIME 

**HawkEars** : they have such a weird relationship.

**Irondad** : Ugh. Fuck me.

**HawkEars** : nah, that’s his job ;)

**Irondad** has kicked  **HawkEars** from  **chilis** (7:45pm)

**spidey** has added  **HawkEars** to  **chilis** (7:46pm)

**Irondad** : @spider-child You’re lucky I like you.

**spidey** : thankdhchdhsjsj

**spidey** : sorry i coughed.

**Dr.Bruce** : Are you ok? i’m a doctor i can help.

**spidey** : i choked on an apple

**Dr.Bruce** : You’re on your own.

**Dr.Bruce** is offline (7:48pm)

**spidey** : wat

**blackWidow** : this chat is more of a mess than clints apartment.

**blackWidow** is offline (7:49pm)

**HawkEars** : ouch

**HawkEars** is offline (7:50pm)

**spidey** : @mr.strange you have my blessing.

**Dr.Strange** : We just? started dating?

**spidey** : so?

**Funky** **Barnes** : hey spidey isn’t it your bed time?

**spidey** : it isn’t even? 8 o’clock?

**Irondad** : BEDTIME FOR SPIDERS.

**spidey** : :O

**spidey** is offline (7:54pm)

**Funky** **Barnes** is offline (7:55pm)

**furryssister, Irondad and Dr.Strange** are offline (7:56pm)

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh so most people are allowed to sleep naked, but when i do it i’m ‘a disgrace to my family’? and ‘ruining my uncles funeral’?


	12. 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wow guys. chapter 12. if y’all have any ideas you want included just comment them lmao. this one was fun to write.

**Irondad** is online (2:13am)

**Irondad** has kicked  **spidey** from  **chilis** (2:14am)

**blackWidow** ,  **Dr.Bruce** and  **Dr.Strange** are online (2:15am)

**blackWidow** : whats the status on operation spider-cat

**Dr.Strange** : I think you mean whats the status on operation GO TO SLEEP.

**Irondad** : The cat is getting its shots rn. I felt bad leaving it alone

**blackWidow** : how’d you find a a clinic open this late?

**Irondad** : Oh I didnt 

**Irondad** : Brucie is doing them

**Dr.Bruce** : tea.

**Irondad** : You’ve been spending too much time with Peter

**blackWidow** : @tony since when do you like cats?

**Irondad** : They’re bareable. 

**blackWidow** : what kind of cat is it?

**Irondad** : Erm

**Irondad** : Bruce?

**Dr.Bruce** : its a two month old kitten

**Dr.Bruce** : its a black and white half siamese cat. 

**Dr.Bruce** : she looks like shes wearing a black mask that covers half her little cat face.

**Dr.Bruce** : shes got green eyes and shes ADORABLE

**blackWidow** : are you alright bruce?

**Dr.Bruce** : SHES SO SMALL

**Irondad** : Bruce is crying

**Dr.Bruce** : her fur is SO SOFT

**Irondad** : Bruce is sobbing

**Irondad** : Alright 

**Dr.Bruce** is offline (2:26am)

**blackWidow** : whats the actual plan?

**Irondad** : At 8am I’m getting the cat certified as a support animal.

**Irondad** : And then at 12 spiderkid is coming over to the tower.

**Irondad** : I’ll give him the cat then

**blackWidow** : can i be there?

**Irondad** : NO

**Irondad** : Ofc you can

**blackWidow** : i wouldve came anyway.

**Irondad** : I know you would’ve

**Dr.Strange** : TONY 

**Dr.Strange** : GO TO SLEEP

**Irondad** : Make me ;)

**Dr** . **Strange** : die

**Irondad** : Okay

**Dr.Strange** : No-

**Dr.Strange** is offline (2:32am)

**Irondad** : Aw he’s gone

**blackWidow** : you owe me 

**blackWidow** : SO much

**Irondad** : I know

**Irondad** has added  **spidey** to  **chilis**

**Irondad** is offline (2:34am)

**blackWidow** is offline (2:35am)

~

**Irondad** ,  **furryssister** ,  **steeb** and  **blackWidow** are online (11:50pm)

**Irondad** : Okay

**Irondad** : Demon has been registered.

**steeb** : Demon?

**blackWidow** : cat

**steeb** : I see

**steeb** : Why?

**Irondad** : She’s just

**Irondad** : staring at me

**Irondad** : im having doubts

**blackWidow** : too late to back out lmao

**furryssister** : can someone keep me updated 

**furryssister** : cus im like

**furryssister** : 8,000+ miles away

**blackWidow** : ill get clint to do it

**furryssister** : thanks gurl

**blackWidow** : np bitch.

**steeb** : I’ll make some cookies.

**Irondad** : why?

**steeb** : I don’t know

**Irondad** : Fair enough

**Irondad** : Someone come save me

**Irondad** : This FUGCKIN cat is sleeping on me

**Irondad** : Do i LOOK like a pillow?

**blackWidow** : yes

**Irondad** : Fake

**hawkEars** is online (11:55pm)

**hawkEars** : hello princess ill be your narrator today. hope you don't mind missing out on conversations. im deaf.

**furryssister** : i regret this already

**HawkEars** : thanks! 

**Irondad** : The spider is in the building.

**Irondad** : I repeat. The spider is in the building.

**HawkEars** : lmao pete crawled through the window.

**HawkEars** : he spotted the cat

**HawkEars** : he seems confused. poor kid looks like a lost puppy.

**HawkEars** : he thinks tony got a cat.

**HawkEars** : lmaoo

**HawkEars** : Tony straight up dropped the cat into peters lap.

**HawkEars** : peter.exe has stopped responding

**HawkEars** : hes sobbing now

**HawkEars** : straight up just burst into tears.

**HawkEars** : the kitten is confused

**HawkEars** : the cat is licking spiderman

**HawkEars** : spiderman is crying harder

**furryssister** : this is the best thing

**HawkEars** : Tony is just

**HawkEars** : in shock

**HawkEars** : lmaooo he doesnt know what to do im cryinggg

**HawkEars** : poor steve is thrown off his rhythm,,,, just,,,, fuckgin handing out cookies.

**HawkEars** : give me a sec i want a cookie

**HawkEars** : ok

**furryssister** : this is a m a z i n g

**HawkEars** : just witnessed Nat have the most intense staring competition with the cat

**furryssister** : who won?

**HawkEars** : the cat

**HawkEars** : you can see Bruce restraining himself from stealing the cat from Nat

**furryssister** : whats peter doing?

**HawkEars** : hes still sobbing

**HawkEars** : but this time hes like

**HawkEars** : clung to tony

**HawkEars** : tonys just,,,, awkwardly patting his back

**HawkEars** : steve just offered the cat a cookie.

**furryssister** : is bucky there?

**HawkEars** : lmao ye

**HawkEars** : from what i heard hes trying to convince Bruce that goats are better than cats.

**HawkEars** : hes been unsuccessful so far

**HawkEars** : Rhodey has arrived!

**HawkEars** : nevermind

**furryssister** : ?

**HawkEars** : he took one look at tony awkwardly hugging peter, bruce and bucky in a very heated discussion and a kitten sitting in front a cookie. so he just

**HawkEars** : turned around and left

**furryssister** : hes a hero

**HawkEars** : i agree

**HawkEars** : it looks like things are FINALLY calming down

**furryssister** : aw

**HawkEars** : the cat is on peters shoulder

**HawkEars** : the cookies are gone

**HawkEars** : bruce and bucky have come to an agreement

**furryssister** : the hotel is travago

**HawkEars** : what

**furryssister** : sorry

**HawkEars** : i have to go

**HawkEars** : seeing this cat is making me miss Lucky.

**furryssister** : VALID

**HawkEars** is offline (12:40pm)

**furryssister** is offline (12:40pm)

~

**spidey** is online (4:36pm)

**spidey** : @tony youre the best

**Irondad** ,  **blackWidow** ,  **HawkEars** , **Dr.Strange** and  **furryssister** are online (4:37pm)

**Irondad** : Kid, you literally left the tower 5 minutes ago

**spidey** : i would say i would die for mr.stark but i know hed carry that like a million bricks, so ive decided to live for him instead

**Dr.Strange** : Hes crying.

**spidey** : did i say something wrong???

**Irondad** : Ofc not

**furryssister** : what are you naming the cat?

**spidey** : her name is Apollo

**blackWidow** : why?

**spidey** : it was apollo 11s 50th bday last month.

**spidey** : and also

**spidey** : s p a c e 

**HawkEars** : valid.

**Irondad** : Thats my son

**spidey** : what?

**Irondad** : What?

**spidey** : @mr.stark sorry for crying for 20 minutes straight. and thanks for helping me to not cry

**Irondad** : I just? Hit you with a pillow repeatedly? To get you stop?

**spidey** : its what i needed at the time

**Irondad** : Whatever

**furryssister** : CLINT DIDNT TELL ME THIS

**HawkEars** : i was distracted by steves cookies.

**Dr.Bruce** is online (4:45pm)

**Dr.Bruce** : hey tony

**Irondad** : Whats up Bruce

**Dr.Bruce** : this is an avengers group chat, right?

**Irondad** : sort of yeah

**Dr.Bruce** : not all the avengers are here though

**Irondad** : Who are we missing?

**Dr.Bruce** : .....

**spidey** : .....

**furryssister** : .....

**Dr.Strange** : .....

**HawkEars** : .....

**blackWidow** : .....

**Irondad** : THOR

**Dr.Strange** : Im dating an idiot

**spidey** : does thor have a phone?

**spidey** : i couldnt find his number so i kinda just,,,,, forgot about it

**Dr.Bruce** : i have his number

**spidey** : you DO?

**Irondad** : You DO?

**Dr.Bruce** : should i add him?

**spidey** : YES

**HawkEars** : YES

**furryssister** : YES

**Irondad** : NO

**Dr.Bruce** : alrighty then

**Dr.Bruce** has added Thor to chilis

**Thor** : Hello midgardian friends!

**furryssister** : why did that take so long to type?

**Thor** : I apologise, furryssister, I have large fingers and do not wish to misspell any words. 

**spidey** : THOR!!!!! :D

**Thor** : Hello, spidey, I do not know who you are.

**spidey** : Spiderman! :)

**Thor** : Ah! Starkson! 

**spidey** : what :)

**Thor** : Haha! The symbols come together to form an emoticon face! I must attempt this.

**Dr.Strange** : This was a mistake

**Thor** : :) :) :) :)

**Thor** : Hilarious!

**Thor** : I must show my brother!

**Irondad** : NO-

**Thor** has added  **god-of-mischief** to  **chilis** .

**god-of-mischief** : really, thor?

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don’t you think it’s unfair that chickens get to lay eggs everyday? wouldn’t you want to wake up to a fresh egg every morning? what if i could help you?


	13. 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what’s up. no i haven’t disappeared off the face of the planet. i’ve just been super busy doing nothing. this one is smol but it’s better than nothing right? if y’all have anything you included you can tell me if ya want. i need comments more than air.
> 
> shoutout to my good friend and cousin who has been helping me with some stuff. she’s an amazing bitch and i love her.

**god** - **of** - **mischief** : really, thor?

 **spidey** : hi loki!!

 **god** - **of** - **mischief** : hi peter.

 **Irondad** : What????

 **Irondad** : How do you?

 **Irondad** : Know him???

 **Irondad** : Kid you are in SO much trouble

 **spidey** : oof next you’re gonna find out about carol.

 **Irondad** : CAROL DANVERS??

 **Irondad** is offline (5:01pm)

 **spidey** : thanks wizard-dad

 **Dr**. **Strange** : I’m just gonna ignore that nickname.

 **blackWidow** has changed **Dr**. **Stranges** name to **wizard** - **dad**

 **wizard** - **dad** : Oh no. 

**spidey** : you know we had to do it to em

 **god** - **of** - **mischief** : so can i leave now? or?

 **spidey** : no

 **blackWidow** : no

 **hawkEars** : no

 **wizard** - **dad** : Please.

 **god** - **of** - **mischeif** : i scream for god but he doesn’t answer.

 **blackWidow** :,,,,

 **blackWidow** : aren’t you a god?

 **god** - **of** - **mischief** : mayhaps.

 **Thor** : What’s is all of this about a cat?

 **god** - **of** - **mischief** : wouldn’t you like to know, weather-boy

 **god** - **of** - **mischief** : what’s a cat?

 **spidey** : you but an animal

 **god** - **of** - **mischief** : i see.

 **spidey** : you know what’s wild??

 **spidey** : people name their cats ‘whiskers’

 **spidey** : that’s a cats body part

 **spidey** : i’m gonna name my son ‘leg’

 **wizard** - **dad** : do not.

 **furryssister** : at least you’re a good dad to apollo

 **spidey** : i’m gonna take her on patrol with me! :D

 **furryssister** : nevermind 

**wizard** - **dad** : You’re all thick as thieves.

 **spidey** : as juicy as burglars

 **wizard** - **dad** : Stop.

 **furryssister** : just a couple of dummy thicc stealy bois

 **wizard** - **dad** is offline (5:18pm)

 **god** - **of** - **mischief** : we killed him.

 **spidey** : shuri add your brother

 **hawkEars** : the king of wakanda?

 **furryssister** has added **KingT’Challa** to **chilis**

 **furryssister** has changed **KingT’Challas** name to **furry**

 **furry** : Shuri, what is this?

 **Thor** : Ah. I understand now.

 **Thor** : Furryssister is Princess Shuri and Furry is King T’Challa of Wakanda.

 **hawkEars** : astute observation my friend

 **Thor** : What is a Furry?

 **spidey** : It’s a

 **god** - **of** - **mischief** : it’s another word for ‘saviour’ or ‘awesome hero’

 **Thor** : Am I am a furry?

 **god** - **of** - **mischief** : yes.

 **Thor** : Hey everybody! I’m a FURRY.

 **furryssister** : loki marry me

 **god** - **of** - **mischief** : no.

 **furryssister** : harsh.

 **furry** : I cannot deal with this.

 **furry** has left **chilis** (5:20pm)

 **hawkEars** : i admire him.

 **hawkEars** : so stoic

 **hawkEars** : and majestic

 **furryssister** : he fell out a window yesterday because his fiancé smiled at him but go off ig 

**spidey** : that’s a mood.

 **furryssister** : oh fuck 

**furryssister** : he may kill me for telling y’all that

 **furrysister** is offline (5:23pm)

 **spidey** : rip shuri

 **god** - **of** - **mischief** : gone, but not forgotten.

 **blackWidow** : F

 **blackWidow** is offline (5:25pm)

 **hawkEars** is offline (5:26pm)

 **god** - **of** - **mischief** is offline (5:27pm)

 **Thor** is offline (5:27pm)

 **spidey** is offline (5:28pm)

~

**Irondad** and **wizard** - **dad** are online (10:18pm)

 **Irondad** : Do I even want to ask about the nickname

 **wizard** - **dad** : I’d rather you didn’t 

**spidey** is online (10:20pm)

 **spidey** : what is up my dudes

 **Irondad** : The ceiling, usually

 **spidey** : ugh

 **spidey** : dad jokes.

 **spidey** : on another note,

 **spidey** : how important is blood really?

 **Irondad** : Why do you ask???

 **spidey** : ok so i may have gotten mugged but

 **wizard** - **dad** : What.

 **spidey** : he was like ‘knife to meet you!’ and then he stabbed me

 **Irondad** : HE STABBED YOU??

 **spidey** : yeah but he made a PUN mr.stark

 **Irondad** : You have GOT to stop getting stabbed.

 **spidey** : i do what i want

 **wizard** - **dad** : Dont you have a cat now?

 **Irondad** : I don’t think apollo would like you to be stabbed.

 **spidey** : [you-got-me-there.jpg]

 **spidey** : i’m FINE

 **spidey** : but do you reckon waffles are just pancakes with abs?

 **Irondad** : Holy shit are they??

 **Irondad** : Babe? Is it true?

 **wizard** - **dad** : Sometimes I wonder if either of your brains work.

 **spidey** : i’ll take that as a yes.

 **Irondad** : Are you still bleeding?

 **spidey** : how would i know

 **spidey** : oh yeah hold on one sec

 **spidey** : i can’t tell the blood is mixed with the blood from my other stab wound

 **Irondad** : WHAT THE FUCK

 **spidey** : and that is my cue to LEAVE

 **spidey** is offline (10:30pm)

 **Irondad** : ....

 **wizard** - **dad** : dont look at me, he’s your son

 **Irondad** : ugh why do i love you

 **Irondad** is offline (10:32pm)

 **wizard** - **dad** is offline (10:32pm)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that amazing feeling when you go to sleep with 206 bones and wake up with 213. #justgirlythings


	14. 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my darlings. a longer chapter for you. sorry it took so long, also, its done on mobile so if there are mistakes dont @ me. another shoutout to one of my favourite people: my cousin! the one who id have a much harder time writing this without.  
> love you all!  
> I’m a minecraft diamond hoe for   
> comments.  
> question: how do y’all feel about ThorBruce?

**spidey** is online (3:21pm)

 **spidey** : AAA I’m FREAKING OUT

 **furryssister** is online (3:22pm)

 **furryssister** : whats new 

**spidey** : i kno i may live in a perpetual state of terror but this one IS IMPORTANT I SWEAR

 **Irondad** is online (3:24pm)

 **Irondad** : I sense a distressed spiderman

 **furryssister** : spooky

 **furrysister** : what is your problem you insect

 **spidey** : im not an INSECT

 **Irondad** : He’s not an INSECT

 **spidey** : ANyway

 **spidey** : i have a school DANCE coming up.

 **spidey** : and i have NO ONE to TAKE

 **Irondad** : What about,

 **Irondad** : TJ? KC? whats her name?

 **furryssister** : MJ?

 **spidey** : nah MJ doesnt like school dances very much

 **furryssister** : didnt she go to your homecoming?

 **spidey** : yeah but she didnt really have a choice then.

 **spidey** : but that means i DONT have anyone to go with

 **blackWidow** is online (3:31pm)

 **blackWidow** : whats up nerds

 **furryssister** : ask nat to go with you

 **Irondad** : ? No? 

**spidey** : Natasha will you come with me to my school dance?

 **blackWidow** : sure kiddo

 **spidey** : ok THanks

 **Irondad** : W h a t t h e f u c k

 **furryssister** : accept it old man.

 **Irondad** : Peter why dont you take your cat or something?

 **spidey** : i tried :(

 **furryssister** : animals are not allowed

 **spidey** : wait a second

 **spidey** : spiders are arachnids,,,,

 **spidey** : and arachnids are animals,,,,

 **spidey** : and I’m part spider,,,,,

 **spidey** : so am I ALLOWED???

 **blackWidow** : wait,,

 **blackWidow** : I’m A SPIDER ASWELL

 **Irondad** : w h a t t h e f u c k 

**Irondad** is offline (3:40pm)

 **furryssister** : you’ve killed him.

 **spidey** : welp

 **spidey** : there goes another father.

 **blackWidow** : PETER

 **furryssister** : he does this everytime.

 **blackWidow** : ??

 **furryssister** : o r p h a n jokes

 **spidey** : someone get mr.dad back i wanna introduce him to someone

 **spidey** : i'm bleeding, and I'm not going to the hospital

 **Irondad** is online (3:47pm)

 **spidey** : now that i have your attention,,

 **spidey** : meet mj!

 **MJ** : sup

 **Irondad** : w h a t t h e f u c k

 **Irondad** : p e t e h o w d i d s h e g e t h e r e

 **furryssister** : welcome to chillis MJ

 **MJ** : thanks bitch

 **spidey** : let me introduce you to the people online

 **spidey** : you already know shuri. shes a bitch i love her

 **spidey** : nat is here!

 **blackWidow** : hey kid

 **spidey** : you know her but shes like a grownup you

 **MJ** : nice

 **blackWidow** : nice

 **spidey** : and then theres mr.stark. my weird father figure person.

 **spidey** : he seems to have a stroke everytime i say something.

 **Irondad** : w h a t t h e f u c k P e t e r 

**spidey** : look,,

 **spidey** : hes convulsing right now

 **MJ** : hm

 **MJ** : not a fan

 **spidey** : be nice!

 **MJ** : ill consider it

 **Irondad** : You fucking terrify me

 **steeb** is online (3:52pm)

 **steeb** : No bad language in my good christian groupchat!

 **steeb** is offline (3:53pm)

 **spidey** : I’m,,,,,, 

**spidey** : j e w i s h 

**MJ** : @natasha are we still up for our weekly coffee meet up?

 **blackWidow** : yep

 **Irondad** : ??

 **spidey** : ??

 **spidey** : what do you do at these meet ups?

 **blackWidow** : we talk shit about our dumbass superheroes with no self preservation skills.

 **spidey** : me and,,,, clint?

 **MJ** : bingo.

 **Irondad** : Alright

 **Irondad** : This is too much for me

 **Irondad** : I’m too old for this

 **steeb** is online (3:59pm)

 **steeb** : Did someone say old??

 **steeb** : You know who is old?

 **steeb** : Me

 **spidey** : mj this is Steve

 **MJ** : ugh. captain america

 **steeb** : What's wrong with me?

 **MJ** : do you know how many of your school PSA videos ive had to sit through??

 **spidey** : youre right and you should say it.

 **Irondad** : I’m sorry, w h a t

 **steeb** : Don't tell them.

 **MJ** : What do we get in return?

 **steeb** : Lessons for a good life!

 **spidey** : not good enough

MJ: <https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ndFOYQ0bCtY>

**Irondad** : O h m y g o d 

**Irondad** : These are a m a z i n g

 **steeb** : Why

 **MJ** : you know we had to do it to ‘em

 **spidey** : you know we had to do it to ‘em

 **steeb** : I feel attacked

 **blackWidow** : its probably because youre so old.

 **Irondad** : You want some ICE for that burn?

 **Irondad** : Do you get it? Ice? Because he was frozen?

 **furryssister** : haha steve

 **MJ** : ugh. dad jokes

 **MJ** : ok I’m bored here.

 **MJ** has left **chilis** (4:09pm)

 **steeb** : ok good she left

 **MJ** : have i though?

 **steeb** : WHAT THE FUCK

 **Irondad** : LANGUAGE

 **spidey** : LANGUAGE

 **blackWidow** : LANGUAGE

 **furryssister** : LANGUAGE

 **MJ** : LANGUAGE

 **MJ** : ok bye losers

 **MJ** has left **chilis** (4:11pm)

 **Irondad** : I was fearing for my life.

 **blackWidow** : i look forward to the dance pete!

 **steeb** : Did I miss something????

 **blackWidow** : yes

 **blackWidow** is offline (4:12pm)

 **furryssister** is offline (4:13pm)

 **Irondad** is offline (4:13pm)

 **steeb** : It's just us now spidey

 **spidey** : nope, just u

 **spidey** is offline (4:14pm)

 **steeb** is offfline (4:15pm)

~

**furryssister** is online (2:52am)

 **spidey** is online (2:53am)

 **Pepper** is online (2:54am)

 **Irondad** is online (2:54am)

 **wizard-dad** is online (2:54am)

 **Pepper** : I assume thats you, stephen?

 **wizard-dad** : Sadly.

 **Pepper** : Why are you all awake

 **spidey** : science

 **furryssister** : science

 **Irondad** : Science

 **wizard-dad** :Tony

 **Irondad** : Pep, why are you up?

 **Pepper** : Harry Potter movie binge

 **spidey** : we stan one (1) spice

 **furryssister** : TEA

 **Pepper** : Tony? What are they saying?

 **Irondad** : Ive been begging for a translator since I met them.

 **furryssister** : @spider if the moon is made of milk and neptune is 8 how many blue waffles could you potentially eat on mars?

 **spidey** : @disney-princess green

 **Pepper** : What the shit is a blue waffle

 **furrysister** : the correct answer is packing peanuts

 **Irondad** : Wat

 **spidey** : oh i see

 **spidey** : you carry the three and

 **wizard-dad** : What is wrong with you teenagers.

 **Irondad** : Have you children slept enough recently

 **furryssister** : absolutely not! thanks for asking

 **spidey** : sure, i may not get as much sleep as most people, but can normal people do THIS

 **Pepper** : …. where’d he go?

 **Irondad** : Kid?

 **spidey** : sorry i stood up and blacked out for a sec

 **furryssister** : what a dumbass

 **furryssister** : you’re my hero

 **furryssister** : and my eternal mood

 **wizard-dad** : Blacked out? Are you sure you arent suffering from an iron insufficiency? 

**Irondad** : Have you been eating well kid?

 **spidey** : tbh, i like keeping my metabolism on edge

 **spidey** : like whats it gonna be this week

 **spidey** : 12,000 calories or complete starvation?

 **Pepper** : Tony come collect your child. 

**Pepper** : and maybe give him a pizza or something

 **spidey** : can i add a friend!!!

 **wizard-dad** : N o

 **Irondad** : N o

 **furryssister** : Y E A

 **Pepper** : I suppose you could.

 **spidey** : i feckin love democracy

 **spidey** has added **smol-scot** t to **chilis** (3:08am)

 **smol-scott** : HELLO

 **wizard-dad** : Peter, who is this?

 **spidey** : its antman!! :D

 **smol-scott** : I’m antman :D

 **Irondad** : How do you know Scott Lang?

 **spidey** : bcus hes my BUG BRO

 **smol-scott** : BUG BROS 4 LIFE

 **Pepper** : Hi Scott!

 **smol-scott** : Hi Ms.Potts!

 **Pepper** : Hey Peter, i thought spiders weren’t insects?

 **spidey** : oh they aren’t!

 **smol-scott** : We have collectively decided to ignore that minor detail.

 **furryssister** : fair enough. hi lang!!

 **smol-scott** : furrys sister?

 **smol-scott** : princess shuri?

 **spidey** : lmaoooooooooooooo

 **Irondad** : I still don’t know what a furry is.

 **furryssister** : its t’challa

 **Irondad** : ok?

 **spidey** : sorry guys i have to go feed my cat!

 **spidey** is offline (3:17am)

 **wizard-dad** : Tony! Time for sleep!

 **Irondad** : No

 **wizard-dad** : Please? :)

 **Irondad** : hm

 **Irondad** : alright

 **Irondad** is offline (3:19am)

 **Pepper** : How on earth do you it?

 **wizard-dad** : It's a special talent of mine.

 **wizard-dad** : Goodnight Pepper

 **Pepper** : Night!

 **wizard-dad** is offline (3:20am)

 **Pepper** is offline (3:21am)

 **smol-scott** : This is the best day.

 **furryssister** : nerd

 **furryssister** is offline (3:22am)

 **smol-scott** : so cool

 **smol-scott** is offline (3:23am)

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> therapist: just run away from your fears  
> me, with a fear of running: *screams*


	15. 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my lovelies! i’ve decided to try and get back into the swing of things, god knows i have the time! feel free to comment, this is a safe space :)  
> slán!  
> -Lu

**steeb** is online (8:02am)

**steeb** : Good morning New York!

**spidey** is online (8:02am)

**spidey** : good MOrNING BALTIMOREE

**steeb** : This is New York not Baltimore.

**spidey** : are you telling me you’ve never watched hairspray?

**steeb** : ???

**god-of-mischief** is online (8:04am)

**god-of-mischief** : who has never watched hairspray??

**spidey** : steeb apparently

**god-of-mischief** : this is blasphemy

**spidey** : its a musical, steven

**steeb** : I’ll put it on the list

**spidey** : can we add brunnhilde to this chat?

**god-of-mischief** : she keeps blocking me but i think i have her number

**god-of-mischie** f has added ‘ **Thanos** ’ to ‘ **Chili’s** ’

**god-of-mischief** : haha oops

**god-of-mischief** has removed ‘ **Thanos** ’ from ‘ **Chili’s** ’

**god-of-mischief** has added ‘ **I_Need_a_Drink** ’ to ‘ **Chili’s** ’

**I_Need_a_Drink** : loki u bastard man 

**spidey** : brunhilde!!!!! :D

**I_Need_a_Drink** : loki you slightly less bastard man

**god-of-mischief** : stop blocking me

**I_Need_a_Drink** : ill stop blockin u the day i die

**steeb** : I’m sorry who’s this?

**I_Need_a_Drink** : a badass

**god-of-mischief** : a drunk

**spidey** : a friend!! :D

**I_Need_a_Drink** : thanks pete u adorable thing u

**I_Need_a_Drink** : why havent u taken up my offer to train as a valkyrie yet?

**god-of-mischief** : what the fuck

**spidey** : bcus im spider but also man

**god-of-mischief** : you’re a baby

**spidey** : i dont want to ruin the sancicity of an all female group.

**I_Need_a_Drink** : awww u cud b our son

**steeb** : I’m so confused

**god-of-mischief** : brunnhilde dont say it

**I_Need_a_Drink** : imma just adopt u

**Irondad** is online (8:09am)

**Irondad** : who do you think you are

**spidey** : hi da

**spidey** : daptain

**spidey** : hi daptain

**spidey** : its a new cool way of saying captain arent i so hip hahahahahah

**god-of-mischief** : ....

**Irondad** : ignoring that, who the FUCK is brunhilde and why does spider baby know her?

**brunhilde** : ugh

**brunhilde** : you

**brunhilde** has left ‘ **chili’s** ’ (8:10am)

**god-of-mischief** : long story no time to explain

**god-of-mischief** is offline (8:10am)

**spidey** : gotta blast!

**spidey** is offline (8:10am)

**steeb** : I am so confused.

**Irondad** : Ugh

**Irondad** : You

**Irondad** is offline (8:11am)

**steeb** : What?!?!

**steeb** is offline (8:11am)

**blackWidow** is online (2:34pm)

**blackWidow** : so pete are we thinking matching colours or what

**furryssister** is online (2:34pm)

**spidey** is online (2:35pm)

**spidey** : ?

**furryssister** : for your dance you stupid spider

**spidey** : ! :O

**spidey** : i was thinking like,,,, red

**spidey** : cus we both like,,,,,,,, red

**Irondad** is online (2:36pm)

**blackWidow** : just red or?

**spidey** : red,,, and 

**spidey** : blue

**Irondad** : You are not wearing your spider suit to a dance

**furryssister** : booo

**spidey** : ugh fine 

**blackWidow** : red and black?

**Irondad** : You are not wearing your spy suit to my sons dance

**furryssister** : BOOO

**blackWidow** : they got us pete

**furryssister** : BOOOOOOO

**blackWidow** : guess’ll just wear a dress

**Irondad** : you or peter?

**spidey** : yes.

**Irondad** : ok then

**Irondad** : wait aren’t you meant to be in school?

**spidey** : yea but im bored 

**spidey** : ned and mj aren’t in

**spidey** : nobody i know seems to be in today

**furryssister** : ?!? i was texting mj and shes in skool

**spidey** : wiat a second

**Irondad** : spidey what did you do

**spidey** : 

**spidey** :

**blackWidow** : spidey?

**spidey** : i think im at the wrong school

**Irondad** : THINK?!?!?!?!!

**spidey** : well

**spidey** : a stab wound would do that to ya, ya know?

**Irondad** : :)

**furryssister** : rip spidey

**Irondad** : a what now petey? :)

**spidey** : um

**spidey** is offline (2:30pm)

**blackWidow** : lmao talk about ghosting

**Irondad** : i must leave now

**Irondad** : :)

**Irondad** is offline (2:31pm) 

**furryssister** : oh mah god he fuckin dead

**furryssister** is offline (2:31pm)

**blackWidow** is offline (2:31pm)

**spidey** is online (3:30pm)

**spidey** : everything is ok it turned out fine

**Irondad** is online (3:30pm)

**smol-scott** is online (3:30pm)

**furryssister** is online (3:31pm)

**god-of-mischief** is online (3:31pm)

**Irondad** : by ‘everthing is ok’ he meant ‘he stayed in a random school for the whole day and went to class and everything with a badly patched wound on his shoulder’

**furryssister** : stark really went off

**god-of-mischief** : who injured you, spider

**spidey** : it was really nothing it was just a graze

**spidey** : a MilD stabbing if you will

**spidey** : happens all the time

**smol-scott** : cant say ive ever been midly stabbed before

**spidey** : haha yeah

**spidey** : im gonna pass out for the foreseeable future. au revoir mes amis

**spidey** is offline (3:38pm)

**furryssister** : i thought he took spanish

**Irondad** : he does

**furryssister** : ok nevermind bye

**furryssister** is offline (3:39pm)

**Irondad** is offline (3:40pm)

**god-of-mischief is offline** (3:40pm)

**smol-scott** is offline (3:41pm)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck a fairie stole my teeth again
> 
> some people have never had a lil cat sleep on their shoulders and wake them up with lil kisses on the nose 👏and 👏it 👏shows👏


End file.
